Archive for October, 2007

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Makes you stop and Sink and Bleed

October 30, 2007

I recently received stigmata from Manhattan Mini Storage. I rented a 10X10X10 space to store some goodies, and the top of the storage unit is like a grate. Essentially, I unknowingly grated the skin off the back of my hand while there 3 weeks ago.

As I sat in my cube going through some personal treasures/trash, I started to notice a presence of fresh, wet blood coating EVERYTHING. As I examined the tight space, I realized that my hand was gushing blood. Fortunately, I found a shirt amongst my plasma covered belongings and fashioned myself a tourniquet from an old Cartoon Network, Super Friends T-shirt. Although I sat alone bleeding, because of my proximity to LES, East Village and Williamsburg I could sense a collective cry from the denizens as I sullied this perfectly good hipster garb.

I bled and organized. I organized and bled. As I sat and bled and organized, in the beginning of this new chapter that is my life, I opted to purge a lot of my belongings – my very personal belongings. Out went books and books of drawings, writings, musings. I threw away toys, even some Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. This time the collective cry sensed was coming from inside myself (daniel, danny, and dan) and not the ironic shirt wearing NYU kids. I tossed an original Fisher Price tape recorder that I have had since I was 5 years old. I ditched credit card receipts and personal information, I disposed love letters that I have received from others, and diaries that I had personally kept on a somewhat regular basis. Stickers, clothes, kitchen ware, tapes, Cd’s, I was throwing them around like they belonged to a stranger. Which at that point, was true. It is not that I don’t know who I was a year ago, 5 years ago, whenever – its that its not me now. The importance that I had previously placed on these items had waned over the last year. Probably longer.

These mounting items, did not really get thrown out as much as they were left in a heaping pile in the MIDDLE of the hallway at Manhattan Mini Storage.

ministorage

(To: Manhattan Mini Storage – Your ads in subways and around town are fun and cool. However, that does not excuse you from not putting trash cans  on each floor, for your customers to use at their discretion).

The pile of belongings I was discarding was getting larger and larger, and the t-shirt was getting more saturated with blood by the minute. I could feel myself getting weaker and starting to sway from the blood loss. Everytime the blood coagulated and formed some kind of scab on the shirt, I would rip it away and the blood would start pouring again.

I purged blood and belongings, both of which were extremely personal and hence could be directly traced back to my person. I just wanted it gone. It was time to start a new, fresh.

A young, hipster girl came by to attend to her own personal items in a neighboring storage unit. I told her, that she was welcome to go through my stuff and take what she wanted.

As this stranger sorted through my mess of a life, I finished up grabbing what I needed and left. This girl tracked me down through MYSPACE. She sent me the following message. I found it interesting that as I sorted my life, both literally and figuratively in that cube, that… well… just read.

I am not sure you remember me.

A few weeks ago you left some things at Manhattan Mini Storage and said I could take anything from the pile.

My roommate has the Adult Swim Shirt and wears it all the time. I really hope she’s washing it…

But yes…I have to thank you. I don’t usually believe in fate. I don’t really believe in anything at all most of the time…religion-wise. I find religion a nuisance.

But the stuff you left behind made me realize that this world is full of so many options and so many choices. Like in a weird way it was supposed to be there waiting for me. I have a lot of doubt in myself. And your throw-aways were just what I needed…the irony.

I also took a folder…just FOR the folder, but I didn’t realize what was in it. Business cards and other things. Your resume too. Oh and a…i won’t tell you but…yeah, next time…put some of that stuff in the shredder. There are creeps out there. (credit card companies are wonderful) But I’ll recycle that stuff so no one will get it and abuse it.

I sound like a stalker/creep? Ugh! great. Can’t it just be admiration for your illustrations and all the places you worked at? You have done a lot in such a short amount of time and I am envious.

You left your resumes in the folder. It’s an awesome list, but I am going to have to give you my artistic critique on the layout. Take it as a compliment actually. my art snobbish-ness is coming out:

The way you laid it out…it isn’t really you. I don’t know how to explain it, but something is missing. Like who you are inside is not in the resume. The way you draw (in a typing sense) doesn’t show up in the resume. I know people tell you no one cares about “the you, you” when they read the resume, but I still believe we are all human and even a resume needs feeling.

I started giving up on my jewelry business, but all the things you have done made me start working on it again.

Thanks for unknowingly helping me,

(her name)

Well, thank you stanger, girl. I am glad and good resume advice, I am actually working on just that thing.

I am still bleeding. Happy Halloween.

Daniel, Danny, Dan

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Fun like Munchausen Syndorome By Proxy

October 25, 2007

what is vertigo? fear of falling? then why do we feel it even when the observation tower comes eqipped with a staedy  handrail? no, vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. it is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.we might also call vertigo the intoxication of the weak. aware of thehis weakness,  a man decides to give in rather  than stand up to it. he is drunk with weakness, wishes to grow even weaker, wishes to fall down in the middle of the main square in front of everybody, wishes to be down, lower than down.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan kundera and a gift from jessica. Thanks jessica.

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Sex with a 5 year old girl: Assistant U.S. Attorney Arrested

October 15, 2007

DETROIT (AP) – An assistant U.S. attorney from Florida was arrested in an Internet sting operation after flying to Michigan to have sex with a 5-year-old girl, authorities said Monday.

The link to the rest of the article is here. What a sick guy? An appointed official acting like a member of the cloth!?Here are some offenses that would have been received with far less disgust and horror by his constituents.

 I bet they would rather he felate each and everyone of these adorable puppies over engaging with a 5 year old child.

I bet they would have preferred that he designed the blueprints for these barracks before he put a 5 year old

The offending Buildings

on his knee for a game of horsey.

I bet they’d opt for that Assistant US Attorney to be caught tossing  Larry Craig’s salad in an airport bathroom stall with both jelly and jam before they would elect for the truth, that he was caught flying cross country to rendezvous with a FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD.

The Congressional MeetingThe Congressional MeetingGod Bless America You Perv.

This makes him salivate

 Gross.

On a lightner note (heehee), look at these mailboxes …  and

 

Just could not bring myself to end on that picture of that kid wrapped in the american flag. BYE!

PS: Additionally and on  a completely unrelated “sexcapade with a 5 year old child” note, IMPROV EVERYWHERE has a really funny new mission up. 112 guys shirtless in the Abercombie and Fitch store in NYC. Nice goin Charlie.

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UnFORTUNatE Magazine

October 14, 2007

Fortune Magazine did a photo shoot a couple of months ago about how “Generation Y” is now entering the workforce. The article also addressed how these hipster new B’s are dependent on their BLACKBERRYS, POWERBARS, REDBULL, APPLE COMPUTERS, COCAINE, HIPSTER GARB… you know the stereo types.

Well, Dan was one of the models. Here are some pics from the shoot*.

 

 

gen_y_04__001094_copy.jpg

AND

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Well, the name of the magazine should be changed to UNFORTUNATE*, because unfortunately, the shots were not used when the theme changed. Dan will be getting even with that magazine by appearing in several of its competitor’s upcoming publications.

 

Dan will be in BUSINESS WEEK in a bathing suit, in MONEY in his birthday suit (wearing nothing but a sock), in FORBES in a loving embrace with Steve Forbes, and in TIME magazine again (last year he was the person of the year) dressed like the statue of liberty torching that specific issue of FORTUNE.

 

Here is to turning the other cheek on FORTUNE… Thanks for Reading……

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An awful scan

October 11, 2007

The printer/scanner has been drinking… not I. This is something, more substance coming soon. A worm has nutrients too.

I call this piece: Man on the bench contemplating life, rabbit out of hat and out of here, woman taking bow and demure in the barefoot, matchstick man burnt once again, three birds talking about politics, super hero dog with an interesting gate, and faded tree OR an awful scan. More postings coming soon. Internet installed on Saturday. After that, you will have problems stopping me from posting. Prolific is in the tube.